How to say "no" to a book - Rejecting a Recommendation
Not all books are great, or even good. This means that sometimes we will have to say, “no. No, I’m not going to read that book.”
Wait, what? Rejecting a recommendation, can you even do that?
This article is a twofer. To get good at rejecting books, we need to get better at recommending them. Practicing both go hand in hand.
1. Recommending
There is a unique agony in recommending books to people. An insecurity war wages in our minds moments after the title leaves our lips and enters their ears. Or maybe you’ve lost your nerve before hitting the “send” button, because the topic of that last novel you loved was just a bit…controversial.
Even after recommending hundreds of books, my mind flips the Rolodex of these questions every single time:
What if they don’t like the book?
Will they think I’m weird because of the protagonist?
Is this too raunchy for Aunt Betty?
If they hate my favorite book, can we even still be friends?
Step back for a brief moment, and think about this thought instead: If every person in history and today only read things that agreed with them, would we actually be getting along better?
The answer is a hard no.
We love book lists and book clubs personally curated by famous and influential people because these written ideas fueled their change and their success in change. Despite the terror of change, many of us long for that in our own lives, too.
As teens, we long for our minds to keep up with our growing bodies.
As adults, we long for our wisdom to deepen as we have more life experiences.
As humans, we long for our outside self to match the inner workings of our hearts.
This is what helps me recommend books to others without fear of repercussion. The wonderful, inspiring, unpredictable, and sometimes frightening words of a book could be part of this person’s evolution. And while that is a lot of amazing potential in between two cardboard covers, there is also the potential for the opposite of a firework.
The duds.
I want you to trial this out next time you recommend a book that you really care about:
This book has the potential to impact this person, if they choose to let it.
Now, hand over the book, and also the responsibility of experiencing any and all impact. Both are in the next reader’s grasp.
2. Rejecting
A friend was bemoaning a flop of a novel to me the other day when she said, “I really wish people would recommend books to me, and forget that they did.”
Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could accept a book suggestion and then never be asked about it again? No timelines, no expectations, no excuse making. Achieving reading anonymity, would mean sacrificing the joy of shared reading experiences. And while we know that we aren’t going to always love every title that is given to us. Rejecting a book recommendation is allowed. I would argue there is a bit more to saying, “no, thank you.”
Before chucking that TBR book. Ask yourself, why don’t I want to read this?
And if you can’t find yourself finishing a book that you wanted to like, ask what don’t I like? Why is this book not capturing my attention?
It’s not always the book.
I can always tell how I’m doing (mentally) by my reading patterns. For example, if I stay up late to read every night and barely finish a chapter in a week. It’s not the book, it’s my distractedness. Or if I reach for the fun book, week after week, at the library busting through twenty titles in a month, but I’ve been too busy to call home or friends. I’m avoiding something difficult.
*Record screech*
I have also struggled to get through a book rec made by someone I realized I’d been walking on eggshells around. It took a few weeks, but I finally heard myself think (in my head), “If they ask me one more time if I’ve finished that book…you know what I’m just going to take a rain check on our coffee date.”
Is it really the book?
Sure, it could be.
Are you willing to ask yourself, is there something else going on?
I love this quote, by Winston Churchill, about hearing the truth:
“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”
Stories are lovely little truthers. Worth listening to, thinking about, asking questions of the world and the systems around us. In the same way, they tell truths to the listener, they can reveal truth about the listener. We don’t always need a novel or a memoir for self-reflection. You or I might have a lot on our plate and need to kindly say, “I won’t be reading that one with you.” If that is not the case, let me encourage you not to miss a moment for checking in on yourself.
Here is my recommendation for that book you need to put down for something better:
“Hey, this book you sent my way wasn’t resonating with me right now, for a handful of reasons. I gave it a try, and I am thankful for the recommendation. It made me think of ____(insert book or movie you do like)_______, and I’m really grateful to you for that. I will be moving on to this ______TITLE______/or pausing on reading. I can’t wait to share what I discover next!”
Rejecting a book, kindly and intentionally, has these elements:
a. Honesty
b. Sharing only what you want to share
c. Gratitude that builds them and you up
d. A closed door on the “make-up” recommendation
The closed door is important. Be confident for both parties, that we can still talk about books without reading the same thing. Stress in relationships arises from unclear expectations, even during something as simple as a book exchange between coworkers.
A gal at work did this for me the other day. On her way to lunch, she brought me back a copy I loaned to her.
“I loved this, thank you. It helped me pick out my next book.”
*Chef’s kiss*
What a perfect ending.
Personally, I can’t write about book recommendations without giving you one or two of my own. I’d love to write these are surefire titles everyone will love, but that would contradict everything we just talked about. So, instead use these three novels to try practicing saying, “no” if you aren’t feeling it, or “yes! I’m getting that today!” if you are ready for a new adventure. This article, and all the recommendations, aren’t going anywhere. We will be right here when you are ready to discover your next best story.
Happy reading!
